Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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