I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
