people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
