my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My feet surprised me
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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