Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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