Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
where are my eyebrows?
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