A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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