Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
