i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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