god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
