had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
