I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
