Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
