my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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