low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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