just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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