So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
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