I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need water and some morals
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
