It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
