I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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