and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
