He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
