I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize