I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
