i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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