I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
jump out the window naked night went bad
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
