Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
