She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
