I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
