I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
