so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
