Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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