I looked at my own cervix.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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