i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
