Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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