I'm so fucking centered right now
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
