Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
