I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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