She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
