O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize