So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
