i'm lost and i look like a hooker
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
