woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
