I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize