Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
