The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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