I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize