I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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