the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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