I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
