So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we're making bets on your personal life
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
