david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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