Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
