I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
