Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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