I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
