how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
