he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
