Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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