Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
